How to Keep Your Romantic Relationship Amazing Forever!
Dear Friends,
It is the beginning of February and that has us all thinking about love and relationships because we are so close to Valentines Day, so I am going to share with you how to keep your romantic relationship amazing forever! Let’s start by talking about the fact that most of us think love is that amazing feeling of butterflies in your stomach, excitement just when you hear your love interest’s name, that warm feeling you get when you see them, and the joy that washes over you when you hear from them. These are all wonderful feelings but are they love or feelings of lust? I believe the answer is lust. To lust for someone is the best feeling but it is more involuntary than love in a romantic relationship.
This is something that is not discussed enough; love is a verb and therefore a choice. This is such an important differentiation because, this might be why so many relationships fail when everything else is good. People think when the feelings of lust have diminished or even seem to be entirely gone, the love is gone but that is simply not true. We are inherently sinful and therefore selfish, and this is why we feel the lust and love disappear from our relationship. This is especially true in marriage because marriage is the long relationship “until death do us part.” What is happening when these feelings are lacking is most likely that our selfishness is overcoming. We want to base our entire relationship on these feelings of lust which start to fade after a while.
Why does our lust start to fade? It can be a variety of reasons but often times it is after we have been with someone for a long time and the things that we view as negative about them start to be what we focus on. Negative events automatically get committed to long term memory but positive events go through a filter of sorts in our brain and do not always get committed to long term memory. So the qualities that are negative about our spouse are stacking up in our minds and these overshadow any positive qualities our spouse might have that we lusted after before. In addition to that our own selfish desires may be changing how we both act toward each other. This might be a little bit of a cycle because there may be selfless things our spouse once did that they no longer do out of selfishness and vice versa that caused a feeling of lust. This change would of course be a negative event which would be committed to long term memory, which would further decrease our feelings of lust. So what can we do to get past this or better yet prevent it from happening?
First, we need to stop viewing relationships today like we view fashion. We like fast fashion, we like to spend the least amount of money to get what is in style or what we like at the moment so we can get rid of it very quickly after, once the next fashion trend comes along. In our relationship we should not seek to do the same, put in the least amount of effort for the shortest amount of time until the next relationship we lust after comes along. Relationships are not supposed to be like fast fashion we should not dump someone because we’re bored with them because the feeling of lust has diminished. The reality is that you are not going to wake up everyday with a burning desire to be more selfless and put your spouse’s needs first above your own. You might want to put them first sometimes especially when you are first dating or first married, but that is often because the relationship or that season of it are new and exciting and lust is still a huge part of that. This is what is known as the honeymoon phase. There are still going to be times, probably more often as you move out of the honeymoon phase, when you will want to be selfish and put your own selfish desires above your spouse’s. Simply put you won’t always have the desire to make each other happy above all else. So the first step to avoiding that fading of lust and love is to recognize that fact.
The next thing to do to avoid that loss of feelings is to be encouraged, because we are made and called to love. Love is a verb, an action, and it is a choice. My dear friends, everything I spoke about above that could turn into a sort of negative cycle can be turned around and replaced by a positive cycle. You can get back or keep that honeymoon feeling by changing your thoughts and actions! I do not mean that the state of your relationship is solely your fault, I just mean that if you personally are feeling that the lust and love has faded perhaps you have an opportunity to change that for yourself.
Selflessness is love. Make a conscious effort to do something selfless for your spouse every day. It shouldn’t be for any kind of personal gain, it should be just for them, just to show them love. It could be something as simple as getting them their coffee in the morning. Being more selfless toward your spouse does generally cause them to want to respond positively or reciprocate the selfless act. Soften your feelings toward your spouse about the qualities that they possess that you feel are negative, and try not to focus on them. Instead make an effort to notice positive qualities your spouse has and focus on them. Perhaps commit to writing them down everyday for a couple of weeks, You will start to pay attention more to your spouse’s positive qualities so that you can write one or a couple down, this will help commit them to long term memory. This will give you a more positive opinion of your spouse. Focusing on their positive attributes will also be similar to what you focused on when you were first dating which may bring back pleasant memories and might bring back some of the lust you had for your spouse.
This is why marriage is hard. It is because we are naturally inclined to be selfish so being selfless for the rest of our life to someone, who after some time almost feels like an extension of ourself making them sadly easy to take advantage of, can be difficult. I can assure you that being selfless to show someone how much you love them, seeing their reaction to it, it just warms your heart. Loving someone is truly food for the soul. Romance and marriage are a gift from God. They shouldn’t feel like work. It is easy to fall into ruts, but it is just as easy to come out of them if only you humble yourself. We all go through hard times and we all fall into routines that maybe aren’t so great for our relationships, don’t let them ruin them. Humble yourself, I have had to many many times, and recognize your selfish tendencies and adjust them.
Be silly together again and laugh. Reach out and take their hand. Dance together even if no music is playing. Share your dreams. Listen to each other. Be there for each other. Dress up for each other. Wear their favorite scent. Write handwritten love letters. Make playlists of favorite music. Just because the early exciting stage of your relationship has passed doesn’t mean you become the stereotypical old married couple that argues all the time. Continue to delight in each other and be generous with your love, that will keep your relationship amazing forever, because you have chosen to make it so. I hope you have the most wonderful relationships and that you continue to grow closer together every day.
Your Friend,
Amanda
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