How to Combat Loneliness and Make Friends
Dear Friends,
I am so excited to share with you how to combat loneliness and make friends. We find ourselves in a unique time: the prevalence of social media has greatly impacted and shaped different generations of people. Millennials (born 1980-1994) were the last generation to have a childhood free of social media, smart phones, and the internet as we know it, they were at the beginning of the information age. Generation Z (born 1995-2012) on the other hand, had social media encroaching on every aspect of their lives. Generation Alpha (born 2013-2025) is the lucky generation because their parents are likely millennials. Millennials that saw what happened to the childhood of generation Z, compared it to their own childhood, and decided they didn’t want that for their children. So they’re protecting them from social media and screens in general. Every generation has been negatively effected socially by ‘social media’ because it has made all of us less social and therefore lonelier.
Social media can be a very useful tool; like helping you to find community in a new location. In general though, if you aren’t keeping your social media usage in check you might find that it has quickly taken over your life and hijacked your perspective on your social well being. Social media distracts us from our feelings of loneliness by trying to convince us we have friends and a social life when we really don’t. A great video that I recommend everyone watch is “Look Up” by Gary Turk, you can find it on YouTube. The very first line of the video illustrates what I’m trying to say perfectly; “I have 422 friends, but I’m lonely.” This video deserves an entire post but to summarize it briefly; it shows how much life we could be missing out on because we spend so much time in front of a screen.
We were made to be in relationships. God made Eve from Adam to be his wife and companion because He saw that “it wasn’t good for man to be alone” {Genesis 2:18}. In Ecclesiastes 4:9 we see that two people together are better than one and in this instance it is friends being spoken about. Proverbs 17:17 says “a friend loves at all times, they’re there when trouble comes.” God made us to have relationships: a personal relationship with Him, a romantic relationship in the form of marriage, and friendships. I do not think any of these relationships were intended to be anything but face to face. The only reason we do not see God face to face is because of sin. Social media and text messages alone are not a relationship. It is time we reclaim our in-person relationships, and make truly meaningful in-person friendships the norm again.
What is unique about generation Z is that they grew up so inundated with social media and smart technology, that they missed out on normal social experiences that previous generations experienced. Things that were considered normal for past generations like the awkwardness of a first date, how to ‘break the ice,’ how to make small talk, and yes even how to make friends, are often unlearned skills for generation Z. Unfortunately, generation Z ended up being kind of an experiment on how to raise children in the age of social media and smart technology, and finding out the effect those things had on their lives. I hope I can help remedy that by giving you some tips that will help ease the awkwardness of a first date, teach you how to ‘break the ice’ and make small talk, and ultimately; how to make friends.
To begin with, I need to tell you that there really is no secret to making friends. A friend is just someone you share a common interest or viewpoint with. You will not likely be able to make friends easily just for the sake of making friends. You need to go somewhere where you can interact with people that will potentially share an interest or viewpoint you have. These can be common places you might think of like church because you would share the same faith. It could also be in seemingly unlikely places, such as on a hike or in a store that sells something you enjoy — like the crochet section of a hobby store. The reason sharing a viewpoint or interest is important is so that you have something to talk about that will come easily to you. Striking up a conversation might come very naturally in the place you meet, like talking about what crochet project you’re both shopping for or how a person is enjoying a hike. These conversations don’t need to be super long just impactful, like you feel like you ‘hit it off.’
Speaking of conversations, there is one thing to know that will help you to be more likable; people love to talk about themselves. I am not saying everyone is narcissistic, we are just naturally more inclined to be this way. So in order to have a conversation with someone that will leave them feeling that they really enjoyed talking to you, get them to talk about themselves, actively listen, show genuine interest in them, and respond accordingly — especially in a positive way. To actively listen is to focus intentionally on what someone is saying rather than thinking about how you want to respond to them. It is harder than it sounds. We spend 90% of the time we are having a conversation with someone thinking about how we are going to respond to them rather than actually listening to what they’re saying. Perhaps you meet on a hike and you start chatting because you’re both looking for a specific feature of the hike, like a cave, that you’re having a difficult time finding so you decide to look for it together. During your chat you realize you both have just moved to the area, ask them about where they moved from, follow up with why, was it for a job, ask how they like their new job, etc. This doesn’t mean you will not end up talking about yourself at all because they will likely ask you questions as well, but allowing someone to talk about themself and showing genuine interest by inviting them to share more will leave them feeling like you liked them because you cared to ask about them.
When you are having a conversation with someone for the first time be sure to ask them their name. This might seem basic but sometimes we just forget. Once you learn their name use it as often as you feel appropriate in the conversation to help you remember it. When you’re talking try not to interrupt, that will likely be unappreciated and considered rude. Make eye contact and smile. Have an inviting stance, practice good posture, and don’t cross your arms in front of you; it can look like you are closed off and uninterested. Maintain a pleasant tone, speak up so they can hear you, and enunciate your words so you are easy to understand. When the conversation has ended say thank you and it was nice to meet them, here is another good time to use their name, and reach out to shake their hand if it feels appropriate. To see them again, consider exchanging numbers and invite them to go on a hike or similar excursion to the one you’re on the following weekend or find a time when you’re both free. I’m sure this really goes without saying, but you should also try to look and smell pleasant if you are going out to engage with others. You may not be well received if you have an unpleasant odor because you went to the hobby store straight from the gym without showering. No one is likely to be rude to you, at least I hope not, but you are trying to make a good first impression, so express that through dress and good personal hygiene.
Making friends doesn’t have to be difficult. It is mostly the fear of rejection that keeps us from really trying to make friends. As far as fearing being rejected, try not to. Honestly the worst they can say to your invitation to meet up another time is no and it isn’t the end of the world. Rejection is a part of life and we learn to deal with it. Remember you can’t control what happens to you, you can only control how you react to it. If the person rejects your invitation just politely say ok and it was nice talking to them. It hurts to be rejected but focus instead on the fact that you had a pleasant conversation with a new person. Also realize that the more you do this, the easier it will become. There will always be more people to meet and more potential friends to be made.
I hope these tips help you. I encourage you to try them. When you are feeling lonely, if it is an appropriate time of day, go out and try to make a friend. At the very least you might engage in some lovely conversations with interesting people. The conversation tips are not just helpful in a setting like this, they are great for professional settings as well. I hope you make some wonderful friends and continue to see them in person.
Your Friend,
Amanda
