Enjoying time with others that have different views than your own
Active listening to enjoy the holidays to the fullest with family and friends with views different than your own.
Dear Friends,
We live in such a unique time in history. Everyone is more polarized than they have been in any point in my life, and I’m sure yours as well, and we are being expected to choose a side for any opinion we may have. It is as if there is no room for neutrality anymore. This is just so taxing on our relationships with family and friends and it can feel so devastating and isolating. We do not need to lose friends or disconnect from family because we have different opinions on various topics, we just need to have the ability to connect to each other despite our differences.
One way to do this is to truly get to know people and actually listening to them. That does not mean asking questions in some casual small talk conversations, that can certainly being enjoyable, but it means asking questions and actively listening to the answers that are given. Active listening is more than just telling someone you are hearing what they are saying. We might think we are listening when people speak but truthfully, most of the time we hear one or two individual points they might have and we spend the rest of the time they are talking thinking about how we are going to respond. Actively listening is fighting that urge to just think about how to respond and instead intently focusing on what the other person is saying, enough that you could employ the Charlotte Mason technique of oral narration (retelling what they told you in your own words) once they have finished speaking. I have found this to be a surprisingly difficult technique to master and have found myself shocked many times by how much time it takes for my mind to wander off to think about how I want to respond.
In the premarital counseling course my husband and I took before we married we did an exercise called heart to heart I believe. In the exercise there was a small magnet in the shape of a heart that one of us would hold, whomever was holding the heart was the speaker and the other partner the listener. The person speaking had to speak in short easy to repeat sentences and then pause and the partner that was the listener was supposed to say “I hear you saying…” and repeat word for word or maybe in their own words, what the speaker had just said. Once the speaker had finished getting their thought across, which only lasted a few minutes at most, it was time to switch and have the original listener now hold the heart and be the speaker and the partner not hiding the heart be the listener. This was described as a lesson in communication in the course but looking back now I can see it was an exercise in active listening. It is this skill that seems to be a catalyst of sorts to help us to be empathetic and see things from another person’s perspective.
The reality is that we are not likely to win an argument, we are more likely to cause a person to become defensive and feel all the more determined to hold to their opinion and not listen to yours, so starting an argument to prove that you are right and they are wrong is really a useless endeavor. So rather than starting an argument during these holiday gatherings, that will leave you both feeling frustrated and drained with no one “winning” try asking questions and actively listening instead. You can ask questions and listen and really learn about why they feel the way that they do and you might be surprised by what they feel. There is no need to tell them they are wrong, or to give up your own values and affirm their opinions, you can just listen and learn about them and that will make you both more at ease. Once that has been accomplished if a touchy subject has come up, you can just change it to a different topic. Perhaps this person is a family member like a sibling or an old childhood friend, maybe talk about fond memories you have of your time with them in the past. Consider that if you absolutely feel the need to judge someone, which remember will only make you judged in return, you should judge someone by the quality of their character; are they honest, loyal, friendly, loving, rather than the opinions they hold. Embrace this time you have together with your friends and family this holiday season because we are not promised tomorrow, life happens quickly and you never truly know which time you have with someone may be your last. I hope this helps you to have the most wonderful gatherings this holiday season and that your relationships are able to be made stronger or new relationships formed with a deep bond.
Your Friend,
Amanda
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